Self-Deception and Human Sexuality

“I meant it when I said we were going on a picnic,” she said. This, after her several orgasms. The stares during the date and her visible cleavage were just my hallucinations.

The next day, she announced we should “just be friends” but begged for a kiss and a wiggly hug before I departed. She had set a sexy limit: approach and avoidance sealed with a kiss. Why do we play such games? Why can’t we have sex without pretense? There are many ways to explore these questions. I’ll choose a few.

Evolutionary psychology is one path. It stresses the importance of genetic propagation as the fundamental driver of our behaviour. We desire sex to maximize the number of copies of our DNA circulating in the world. So, men want to spread sperm far and wide. Women wish for genetically fit babies. My date had given away too much too early, and she was regretful. I was a lousy bird that hadn’t built a nest before mating. In the “friend zone,” I had a chance to pass various tests of mate fitness. Perhaps I could be redeemed.

Culture also plays a role. Sex outside of marriage is still awkward here. Many play modern but still harbour traditional defaults. Both of us had broken a taboo. Punishment was in order.

Also, we try to escape our animal nature: Terror Management Theory (TRT) asserts that to avoid the fear of death, we seek to escape signs of our biological foundation. Elaborate rituals are established to mask it. So, romantic fantasies and marriage rites are established. This is, of course, tied to culture.

Further, as many neuroscientists and philosophers assert, free will is likely an illusion. So, she and I are probably running off of cultural and biological programming of which we are unaware. We act falsely, thinking we decide our actions.

Consequently, I’m not bitter. She does her thing, and I do mine, as outlined in the “Gestalt Prayer.” Perhaps I am growing up. I can now face the fact that given what we know about human sexuality, in most instances, “no one is to blame.”